Feeling Lost
Have you, like me, ever just felt like nothing has gone the way that you thought it would? I know I feel this almost daily. The visions and plans I once had for what I thought life would be, by this stage of my life, just never seems to come to pass. I know much of it is my fault, and part of accepting that, is why I say I am trying to find my true identity. To some, that may seem really strange, but to others, I think you might relate? Let me try to explain just a little.
Somewhere along my life’s journey, I have allowed myself to be easily persuaded by other opinions, or at least really confused by them. Year after year, I feel like I lost touch with what I like or dislike, want or don’t want. It’s like I can’t even make a decision and stick to it anymore. I can be so confident that I know the answer to a situation and be determined to make steps to change it, and then I can listen to other voices or opinions and begin to immediately doubt my position. Then before I know it, I am right back where I started, dealing with the exact same issue all over again.
Why is that? I ask myself that question over and over. I pray and ask God to show me beyond a doubt, and I can be so confident I have the answer, then I doubt again. The pattern just keeps repeating, and I keep asking myself why? Why am I not strong enough to step out and change it? Why do I keep letting things happen that I know steal my joy and my peace? Why do I stay so confused?
I believe the answer to that is I have lost a huge part of myself, my voice, and my identity along the way. Fear has played a big part of this. I have spent years thinking I am making other people happy, whether I succeeded or not, and trying to be the peacemaker between so many relationships that I am involved in, that I forgot to make sure I was happy too. I don’t know if everyone deals with this as much as I have in my life or not, but I often find myself just trying to get through things, not because they make me happy, but because I have to to keep some type of so-called “peace” in my life. So I feel like I fake my way through life, pretending and hiding my real feelings to spare someone else’s.
I lost the importance of who I am, and what I want? I am beginning to call this my mid-life crises. I truly see why life is described as a vapor in the Bible. The older I get, the faster it seems to go. I know in my heart, God has great things planned for my future and I have got to continually step out in faith to find myself, and reconnect with my dreams. I can not continue to let voices tell me who I am, what I think, or what I can or can not achieve. I have to fight my fears and doubts and I have to trust God fully! I have to be bold, and most of all, I have to lean on God’s strength when I am weak! I am determined to change things in my life that steal my joy and my peace. It won’t be easy, but with God all things are possible. He alone knows my heart and hears my prayers.
God gave me a specific calling, one that is just for me. I am “Uniquely Constructed” by the Creator of the universe to accomplish things for His kingdom. My purpose for being on this Earth does not have to have the approval of everyone around me for me to achieve it. Now, that is a fact I need to hold onto all the time, and repeat inside my head, over and over. I know it is true, yet I get defeated so often when I listen to other voices. I read something just this week that said something like this: “If Jesus, who was perfect, could not please all the people around Him, what in the world makes you think you can?” That spoke to my heart. I will never please everyone all the time and I have got to focus on God and His Will for my life.
Someone very important to me always told me that I had a big heart and that people knew that about me; therefore, it gave others an advantage to use against me. That brings to mind two topics I feel sure I will write about in the future: DECEPTION AND MANIPULATION. Both of these are tools that are often used in relationships. Sometimes deception and manipulation are hard to detect if you are in the middle of the situation yourself. I believe I know this from experience and that will be things I address later on.
I know in my heart I have allowed people in my life to say and do things that I never should have accepted as normal. I did not stand up for myself enough and as a result, my identity got smaller and smaller. Please, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about me suddenly becoming a selfish “it’s all about me” person. The fact that I do have voices that will tell me stuff like that when I disagree, or voice a different opinion on things is one of the manipulation tactics I have dealt with a lot in my life. Sadly, it worked for way too long.
Now, however, it’s about saying enough. Enough pretending I am fine, when I am not. Enough pretending I am happy, when I am not. Enough worrying what someone else might think or say, instead of taking the leap of faith to find the freedom to be myself again. Enough. I’m tired of being lost!
